Constipained

With Self Neglect

My dear one, my child, I see you.
I see the pain you’re holding.
I see the strength that it takes.

All the times you’ve suffered alone.
All the times you’ve been let down, betrayed, punished, abandoned.
All the times the pain was too much to hold.
All the times you’ve turned away from it
And ignored the permanent cramp in your stomach
that you contorted your body around.

Reaching for numbing, distraction, explanation.
Anything to not feel the immensity of it.
All the times you were reminded of it
And you drowned in your phone, alcohol, coffee, sex.
To run away, to hide, to escape.
Every time you abandoned yourself
Because the capacity to suffer wasn’t there.

Because no one ever showed you how.
No one stayed with you in pain.
Everyone looked away.
Told you to suck it up. Judged you, punished you.

Until you learned to get ahead of it by doing the same yourself.
When you needed rest, compassion and presence.
And there was nothing offered.
And you turned away from it as well.

I’m here with you.
I will not look away any more.
No pain is too much for me to hold.
Not yours, not mine, not anybody else’s.

This is good for both of us.
Let’s take a breath together.
Let’s breathe out slower and more fully than before.
Let me put my hand on your back.

I’m not going anywhere.
I’m not looking to process and resolve anything.
Even though it’s 3am and we’ll be here until morning.
Even though we’re exhausted and there’s an ocean of it.
I won’t look away any more.
Not as a special treat but a permanent capacity.

Every time there used to be an impulse to numb and distract,
check social media, do something productive.
Hundreds of times per day.
All the casual little cuts of self neglect,
like swimming through a river of razor blades.
I’ll be there with you every time.

My child, I see you. I’m here with you. I got you.
My baby, you are not alone.
Your pain is no longer too much for me to hold.
That same strength we used to look away,
we’ll now turn around to look straight at it.
And we’ll call it love because that’s what it’s always been.